Boundaries is without doubt the most common area in which my coachees struggle with. Often getting lost in the narrative of their work or personal situation, they fail to recognise that this narrative may not be in place if they had maintained their boundaries.
What are boundaries?
Simply put, boundaries are a series of conditions we set for ourselves to maintain our lives or invisible fences which we maintain to preserve our own environments.
According to psychology today, there are 7 boundary types. All interweave and when maintained we live our lives to our optimum.
The 7 boundary types are:
1/ Mental – freedom to have your own thoughts, values, and opinions
2/ Emotional – how emotionally available are you to others?
3/ Material – Monetary decisions, giving or lending to others
4/ Internal – Self – regulation, energy expended on self vs others
5/ Conversational – Topics that you do and do not feel comfortable discussing (and with whom)
6/ Physical – Privacy, personal space, your body
7/ Time – How much time you spend with someone or doing something?
Why is it important to understand these boundary types?
For a start, if you don’t know what they are, how can you possibly maintain them? Secondly, once you know what they are, you can take the time to work out which boundaries you are good at maintaining and work on the ones you aren’t.
We are all human; we are likely to let boundaries slip on occasion but to let this happen regularly can cause confusion and therefore problems in your everyday life.
If this does happen, just let it slide this time and aim to do better next.
Why do we maintain boundaries?
In short, for our own mental health. When we are not clear on where our boundaries lie, then people will push both your mental and physical space until you can give no more.
For me, I have noticed boundaries have always been pushed by my family. There are times when I feel uncomfortable, but I have always let it slide, in the past. I am slowly finding my voice, but boy is it hard, because in this dynamic there have always been power imbalances which I have adhered to. I now attempt to be the ant that roars – but with respect and compassion.
In the Harley Therapy Mental health blog, they list 12 signs of what happens when individuals lack boundaries:
- Your relationships tend to be difficult or dramatic.
- You find decision making a real challenge.
- You really hate to let others down.
- Guilt and anxiety
- You are often tired for no apparent reason.
- Your radar is off when it comes to sharing.
- You are constantly the victim of situations.
- You are a tiny bit annoyed most of the time.
- You secretly feel that others don’t show you respect.
- You might just be passive aggressive.
- You often wonder who you really are.
- You fear being rejected or abandoned.
Case Study
Kirsty came to me for life coaching. She was struggling in work, with work, with the people in work and in her personal relationship.
That is a lot.
She talked, I listened.
When I asked her what her boundaries were like? She couldn’t answer.
When I asked her what boundaries were – she couldn’t answer.
Because for a long time and very personal reasons, she had never maintained them or more to the point established them in the first place.
So, we worked backwards, we worked on the consequence of not maintaining healthy boundaries.
How did we achieve this?
We imagined two fields with sheep.
In the work field we named the sheep works like – boss, team, work, time spent, managers, place of work, goals, and achievements. (Poor sheep – terrible names!)
In the personal field we named the sheep – friends, hobbies, homes, food, family, and pets.
Now in Kirsty’s world, she has thrown and sheep dog, a fox and a farmer with a shot gun in this field and caused carnage.
She had no fences, no control, and no understanding of impact that it was having on her life, other than being exhausted and burnt out.
By drawing this out, creating this analogy, Kirsty was able to take a step back and assess her life. She isn’t getting her boundaries right every day. But she is trying, she now has a whistle for the sheep dog, and she is learning the commands that work and don’t work.
It will take time for Kirsty to work out her boundaries, but I am positive she will get there. Through a better understand of herself and what is truly important.
What does this mean for you?
Well, all is not lost if you feel your boundaries are terrible. Get a pen and paper out and name your sheep. Are they different to Kirsty’s?
And then, like everything in life – practice them! And keep practicing them until all of your sheep are in their pen.
I can promise you, eventually it will make life easier, not harder.