Relationships are tough at times. Not just romantic relationships but also relationships with families, colleagues, and friends. As we try and navigate these relationships, we communicate either effectively or ineffectively.
When effective communication takes place, we tick along with these relationships happily and are in a state of contentment.
However, we can get twisted up in situations that cause us grief, tense situations, and this is when we find ourselves communicating ineffectively.
There are countless communication models out there, but this one is worth exploring. This is because we need to understand which ego we are in, in situations where we are not communicating effectively.
The three ego states
There are three ego states:
Parent: As a parent, you copy learnt behaviours, thoughts, and feelings from your own parents.
Adult: As an adult, you sit in the here and now.
Child: As a child, you replay the thoughts feelings and behaviours you learnt as a child.
It helps to understand what is going on within these different ego states, to analysis not only the reaction you are receiving from the person you are communicating with but also, and this is the hard part, accepting that you might also be in a different ego state than adult.
First things first, we all have an ego. It is just part of life, and some people or situations trigger us. If you can not accept you have an ego, then you are probably in an ego state as you read.
Defining Ego
The true dictionary definition of ego is:
your idea or opinion of yourself, especially your feeling of your own importance and ability:
That man has such an enormous ego – I’ve never known anyone so full of themselves!
boost/bolster someone’s ego I’m glad she got the job – she needed something to boost/bolster her ego (= give her confidence).[i]
What is important to note, with this definition is, often
when we refer to an ego, we refer to someone being full of themselves – the big ego example.
However, what we need to do is reframe the definition in our heads and define ego as the state of mind at that current point in time. Therefore, your ego is fluid. (Could be confident could be unconfident – could be adult, could be parent.)
Within a transactional analysis, you need to accept that you will also fluidly move through the different ego states. The trick, which comes with practice, is to move yourself back into “adult”.
Why adult is best …
It seems obvious when we say it, but this is when balanced communication is happening. Neither party is offering an ego state of parent or child and therefore, each person is able to communicate effectively and with no concern.
The “adult” ego is rational, calm and balanced.
Sometimes you may need to jump to another state …
There are times when you might want to communicate in the parent state and this state can be effective at a particular time. Imagine someone is walking into a road and there is an oncoming car, “STOP! Look out!” is a parent commanding state and therefore is effective for this point in time.
Recognising our ego state
But as with all situations, life is never quite so simple. We all get triggered – frustrated, angry, sad, frightened, surprised and even happy.
What we need to do in times of adversity is to recognise which “ego state” we are communicating in and then the “ego state” the other person is communicating in.
The only way to draw each of you out of the “parent” or “child” ego state is to draw yourself back into the “adult” ego state.
You must remain there until the other person you are communicating with, comes back up to your level. So much easier said that done!
But this is what we are aiming for.
To recognise the “ego state” you need to ask yourself:
- What would a parent do?
- What would an adult do?
- What would a child do?
I strongly suggest doing this in your brain and also, do not accuse the other person of “acting like a child”, you just need to recognise what they are doing in order to moderate your behaviour.
Look for these behaviours:
Parents: Lecture, teach, instruct, boss, command
- You must do this
- You should do this
- Here is how you do this
- Do it this way
Adults: Calm, rational and consult
- What do you think?
- Have you considered doing it this way?
- What has worked well for you in the past?
Children: Cry, tantrum, sulk, ignore, stamp
- Leave conversation in a huff
- Slam doors
- Burst into tears
- Repeat information over and over again in the same way
- Repeat your name – “Mummy, Mummy, Mummy,” or “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,” – in order to get attention
-
Scream until they are heard
Now you have recognised their behaviour, it will help you moderate yours. If they are in child state, you have likely jumped up to parent. We only respond like a child if we think we are being parented.
Perhaps the person you are communicating with has started to act like a child, so therefore you have changed your behaviour to combat this, so you have moved to parent position.
The point is you just need to recognise it.
Ask yourself which “ego” you are in and move yourself to the appropriate state.
How do you do this?
Often merely acknowledging which state you are in calms you. However, if you do not feel like you are drawing yourself back to adult state you need to start thinking about things that you would only do as an adult …
- Council tax
- Paying gas and electric bills
- MOT’ing your car
- Decorating your house
This will shut your brain down and start sparking different neuropathways.
A final note …
You will not get this right all the time, this sort of theory takes practice. What you do with this information is up to you.
The parent and child reactions are normal. They are there due to years of living your life and natural learnt behaviours over time.
You can reverse them, but there are times you will just be triggered. Accept this, forgive yourself and move on.
Even attempting to move between these states in progress in itself and for this, you should be very proud.